I’ve been taught that love is beautiful and kind, but it isn’t like that at all. It is beautiful, but it’s a terrible beauty, a ruthless one, and you fall-you fall, and the thing is – The thing is you want to. You don’t care what’s coming you just want who your heart beats for.
Some guy responded to my Craigslist ad about Fellatio 101 classes for bachelorette parties by offering to volunteer for the party guests to practice on. I sent him what I think might possibly be the snarkiest email to ever snark.I couldn’t help it, my fingers just kept typing and this is what came out:
David, you are so selfless! Truly a humanitarian. For years I have been
teaching blow job classes to women using carrots, and as a group of
friends is gathered in their living room for class, someone always says,
“the only thing that could make my sister’s bachelorette party better is
if instead of carrots, we had some creepy ass stranger from Craigslist in
my home with his sweaty dick out.”You know, in 10 years I’ve been doing this, I’ve tried to recruit men as
volunteers, but they’ll all like “Phooey. Girls fellating me sounds
yucky,” It’s been so painful not having a real subject, and being stuck
with carrots. My business has suffered and my customers are unsatisfied.
What a dilemma!But then you come along David, and your penis saved the day! You deserve a
Noble Peace Prize! I can’t believe my good fortunes for your email in my
inbox today.I would love to have you offer your services at my next class! It’s
tonight at 7pm sharp at 5180 Convoy Street in Miramar. Be sure to come in
the back entrance through the door that says “Men Who Think They Are
Clever and Witty But Are Actually Embarrassingly Unoriginal Because I’ve
Heard Your Joke A Million Times Before.”Best,
Dr. Jill
btw, that address is for the city dump.
We remarked with pain that the indecent foreign dance called the Waltz was introduced (we believe for the first time) at the English court on Friday last … it is quite sufficient to cast one’s eyes on the voluptuous intertwining of the limbs and close compressure on the bodies in their dance, to see that it is indeed far removed from the modest reserve which has hitherto been considered distinctive of English females. So long as this obscene display was confined to prostitutes and adulteresses, we did not think it deserving of notice; but now that it is attempted to be forced on the respectable classes of society by the evil examples of their superiors, we feel it a duty to warn every parent against exposing his daughter to so fatal a contagion. … We know not how it has happened (probably by the recommendation of some worthless and ignorant French dancing-master) that so indecent a dance has now been exhibited at the English court … we trust it will never again be tolerated in any moral English society.
The Times, July 1816 editorial (via lostsplendor)
All I want is a time machine and to show these guys the video for Turn Down for What.
(via spaceisprettycool)
Leslie Knope.
I have no fear.
Sue Perkins, Mel Giedroyc, Mary Berry, and Paul Hollywood. I might be a little worried.
Houdini and Doyle.
I feel confident.
The Golden Girls. #ciner1013 was right, I should have been watching Daredevil
Love It or List It. I’m doomed, but my grave will be in a fantastic location with a gorgeous view, and the funeral service and luncheon after will be beautiful and elegant.
I last watched Daredevil. Thank god, I’m safe!
the magicians. i honestly don’t know if i’m going to be ok or not.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine. I’ll be rescued, but in the process three drug dealers, the Pontiac Bandit, and a corgi will make their getaways while a warehouse burns down and someone ends up wearing a bunny suit.
I caught two thirds of an episode of Metalocalypse. Damage will be extraordinary and I will likely die of burst eardrums, unless for some reason the accountant feels I ought to survive.
A friend of mine and I just binge-watched Fringe. The good news is, we’ll be fine. The bad news is, the collateral damage may exceed two universes.
it was almost FMA but then it was 11.22.63 instead FUCK FUCK FUCK I’M DOOMED
dragon ball super. it’s gonna be entertaining to watch at least
i last watched agents of shield
you only think you kidnaped me actually it’s part of a clever scheme to get you to reveal your hydra contacts and now the building is surrounded good luck
Arrested Development. I am fucked.
Garnet.
I’m in good loving hands.
Walking Dead. That’s a hot mess of characters, part of which are trying to save me, part responsible for the kidnapping, and part trying to eat me.
Osomatsu-san. I am so fucked…
Rick and Morty. Im very afraid
I’m re-watching the kidnapping episode of Angie Tribeca right now, and I think that means I have an obligation to reblog.
Anyway… everyone dies unless TBS renews us? (Go watch Angie Tribeca. It is the goofiest and best thing ever.)
The night manager. Excellent. Tom Hiddleston is saving me. :3
Daredevil. WHOO.
Agent Coop, guess I’m SOL for 25 years.
I’m being saved by the Rebels from Starwars Rebels. I’ll probably be okay but it’ll be a close call.
I’m getting saved by Tenkuji Takeru and Makoto, Kamen Rider Ghost and Specter respectively.
I guess I’m getting saved by ghosts.
Every time this pops up on my dash its sways be Lucifer from Fox’s “Lucifer” or Liv Moore from iZombie.
I’m pretty sure this isn’t a rescue I want, because if the Underwoods are looking for me than it’s a problem.
………..So uh, I may die.
Kamina and Simon from TTGL.
Robots.
Hercule Poirot, Captain Hastings, and that episode’s freakishly attractive female character.
Grey’s Anatomy… I might be screwed.
NCIS team 8) I’ll be fiiiiine
The cast of Downton Abbey!
Im in good shape guys, dont worry, the teenage mutant ninja turtles are coming to save me.
The last fictional thing I watched means that Wonder Woman will have saved me and may or may not have me helping her find Aquaman and The Flash because the boys (Bats and Supes) are too busy crying by that point.
Since the only other thing I watched recently was a thrift-haul vid by a youtuber who always asks people to give an alligator wings.
So between Wonder Woman and some flying alligators, I’m probably going to be fine.
It was Agents of SHIELD which I’d be more comfortable about if that episode hadn’t spent so much time passing the fucking idiot ball around.
I was last re-watching some Agent Carter. Peggy will get me out just fine, thanks.
if your economy will collapse without the sustained starvation and homelessness of your lower class citizens, it was never ‘stable’ to begin with.
Adriellyn's Wandering Home 