“Nobody ever used their tax dollars to help me!” says local man who drives on roads, gets his trash collected, has clean water, sends his kids to school, utilizes the police and fire departments, walks his dog in the park, receives mail, and also possess no sense of self reflection.
Some guy responded to my Craigslist ad about Fellatio 101 classes for bachelorette parties by offering to volunteer for the party guests to practice on. I sent him what I think might possibly be the snarkiest email to ever snark.I couldn’t help it, my fingers just kept typing and this is what came out:
David, you are so selfless! Truly a humanitarian. For years I have been teaching blow job classes to women using carrots, and as a group of
friends is gathered in their living room for class, someone always says,
“the only thing that could make my sister’s bachelorette party better is
if instead of carrots, we had some creepy ass stranger from Craigslist in
my home with his sweaty dick out.”
You know, in 10 years I’ve been doing this, I’ve tried to recruit men as
volunteers, but they’ll all like “Phooey. Girls fellating me sounds
yucky,” It’s been so painful not having a real subject, and being stuck
with carrots. My business has suffered and my customers are unsatisfied.
What a dilemma!
But then you come along David, and your penis saved the day! You deserve a
Noble Peace Prize! I can’t believe my good fortunes for your email in my
inbox today.
I would love to have you offer your services at my next class! It’s
tonight at 7pm sharp at 5180 Convoy Street in Miramar. Be sure to come in
the back entrance through the door that says “Men Who Think They Are
Clever and Witty But Are Actually Embarrassingly Unoriginal Because I’ve
Heard Your Joke A Million Times Before.”
customer: does this yarn come in any other shades of pink
me: it might do, i’ll just check!
me, making conversation: so what is it you’re making exactly?
customer: boob hats
me: say again
customer: boob hats. for breastfeeding babies, so their heads look like boobs. i need a different shade of pink for the nipple.
me, internally: [this is the greatest day of my life]
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